Thursday, April 29, 2010

Lightning Strikes

It was 15 minutes rather than an hour and a half. It was my bedroom rather than a gusty field. But I still got this:

And no, this is totally not a cop out so I don't have to actually write anything tonight. Jeez.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Moment Of Zen

Tonight I sat in a field for an hour and a half, in ceaseless winds, to get this photo:

It was totally worth it.*

*although bringing my cellphone so I could Twitter would have been nice

Fat And Happy?

I haven't been keeping up with my posting here, and there is a very good reason: I haven't wanted to continue rehashing my failure. My failure to stop eating junk, my failure to lose any weight, my failure to make any sort of change in my mindset or eating habits.

It's depressing. It's embarrassing.

I have come far enough in this journey to realize now that there can really be no moderation for me. One is too many, and hundred is not enough, or so they say. If I get started with the sweets, I just can't control myself - so there has to be a cold turkey, never again approach to some of that stuff, at least for the foreseeable future until i get my cravings and body chemistry back under control. Then maybe I can think about moderation. But for now there has to be a no sugar policy.

And that sucks.

I know that when I am thin, and the cravings are out of my system I will feel great. I know that I will probably not miss sweets after I haven't had them for a while. But from where I'm standing now, it seems impossible. It is miserable to suffer through the cravings and not give in. it is mentally defeating to feel virtuous and strong and resist all of the food I want every day only to still be overweight at night. Obviously I have issues with impulse control, and not seeing any immediate results make sticking with all of this a major struggle for me.

And at the heart of it I wonder if I truly even believe I can do it. I'm really starting to wonder is I actually think I can BE the person i want to be. There are so many qualities i admire in others, and desire to see in myself, but I never seem to make any efforts towards adopting those qualities.

But i just can't wait any longer. I'm not getting any younger, and spending the rest of my life wishing I could change is not worth it. The time has come to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I have got to decide what it is I really want to do, because the fact is, I'm not that fat, and I'm not particularly unhealthy. So I can decide to settle for this body and keep all the delicious, nutritionally deficient foods I love in my life, or I can choose to elevate myself to a higher standard. But either way I have to accept the realities attendant in each choice, and make peace with it.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Little Puffy Clouds

There are lot of things I love about Omaha: all of the wonderful places I can take my kids (zoo, children's museum), the variety of restaurants and movie theaters and retail outlets. but more than anything, I think I love the sky here. Every day I am amazed at the beauty of the clouds, and the sunset and the scope of the sky here. I drive around, waiting, searching, holding my breath for the next hill, when the city will unfold before me and the view will be unbroken by trees or houses. It never fails to move me.

The sunsets:

The most remarkable thing, the single factor that gives the sky here its beauty, are the clouds. I have never seen clouds like these with such a regularity. Even when it is overcast, the sky has ripples and depth and interest:

But on sunny days, on sunny days the sky looks painted. You know the perfect little puffy clouds that every child draws next to the smiling sun and the square house with four windows? We have those clouds every day here. It is really amazing.

This afternoon at the park

These pictures don't capture the scope of the sky (because they were taken on my camera phone) -but literally in every direction, as far as you can see, are equal size, equally spaced, little perfect puffy clouds. It is truly spectacular.

I can't wait for the day I find that perfect house on the hill, with unobstructed views of the sky.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Feelin' Craftay

Today was chilly and rainy and meant to be spent indoors. Brett was home from work recovering from being sick all weekend, so I took the opportunity to hit the store at nap time. I got paper and beads and string and glue and markers and sticky foam shapes and all manner of crafty supplies for the kids. They woke up from their naps just as I got home, and we got all set up at the dining room table. We made necklaces and rattles in travel shampoo bottles. We colored pictures with markers and attached foam shapes and fuzzy pom poms with Elmer's glue. We made tambourines out of paper plates and beads.

Mommy did most of the work, tying knots, opening/closing marker caps, taping and stapling plates together.

It was great fun.

It took 30 minutes.

Seriously, all that planning and shopping and preparing and we worked on crafts for a half hour. And I was running around or hunched over the whole time helping and supervising and doing all the stuff they couldn't do. Or thought they couldn't do. Or just didn't want to do. Not exactly the relaxing all consuming afternoon of arts and crafts I was expecting.

But that's okay.

The tambourines and rattles were a big hit and were played for the rest of the evening (we even had a little dance party to the "music") and the necklaces are being slept in right now. And I do think the kids had a good time, even if it was only a short while before they were over it. we have some lovely new artwork adorning our walls, and the kids have some fun new toys they made themselves.

And I didn't take a single picture.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Late Kate

Late Kate is what I was called in 4th grade because I was late to school pretty much everyday. And I am oh so helpfully starting Izzy off with this habit because I just cannot get places on time.

I will agree with anyone who argues that being late is rude. I will not make any excuses for my behavior and chronic lateness, although I will clarify we are talking 5-10 minutes, not serious lateness like a half hour. And I know the origin of my issue: I hate being early. It's weird because in general I am not one of those people who has to be busy all the time and can't stand sitting around waiting when I could be doing stuff. Sitting around is pretty much my main hobby. But waiting around being early is wildly unattractive (despite not minding it the few times I have actually managed to get somewhere early), and so I try to avoid leaving for anything to early. Which naturally turns into leaving for everything late. And then I'm anxious and rushing and feel bad about being late. So stupid.

But of course, as with any flaw, admitting and recognizing the issue is the first step. now I just have to rethink my anti-early mindset and maybe we can get somewhere.

On time.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You Capture: Sweet

When I saw this week's topic immediately a photo sprung to mind:

Sophie, two days old

After all, what is sweeter than a newborn baby? Oh, except maybe a chubby, smiling baby:

Jack, 4 months old

Or a sleeping baby:

Izzy, 1 1/2 months old

But then I thought that while, yes, those were sweet indeed, they did not compare to how sweet the children could be when together. Holding a new baby brother:

Izzy and Jack
Or new baby sister:

Izzy and Sophie

But of course, those moments don't hold a candle to the truly spontaneous moments - when they are being affectionate without instruction or supervision. Those moments when you are lucky enough to grab a camera and capture the action before it is gone. A quick hug:

Izzy and Jack

And then. just when I was thinking it would be best if I tried to capture one of these unguarded moments anew, today for this very entry, this happened:

Leaving the gym, stepping over to take his baby sister's hand and lead her down the sidewalk to the car. And managing to get my phone out of my purse in time to get a picture? Sweet indeed.

ps: I also totally wanted to use this photo because c'mon, that haircut is sweeeeeet!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Just Love Her

Ok, so in general I try to stay away from "my kid is so cute because" type entries because honestly, I could write one everyday, but they wouldn't be interesting to you, and everyone thinks their kids are the cutest (but they're wrong mine are, ha!), etc etc.

But I just have to share how funny Izzy has been the past few days.

It hasn't been anything specific that I can put into a Saturday Say what post - it has just been general behavior.

The first thing has been with her cell phone. We have these "toy" cell phones which are actually real cell phones we don't use anymore, and the kids all play with them and fight over them and ignore them and whatnot. Like all toys. A couple of days ago Izzy had a phone out, but instead of pretending to talk on the phone to Daddy or grandma or whoever, she was texting and looking up stuff. Apparently her plan got an upgrade. it was so funny though - everything I said (we'll see if we can go to the gym later, it looks like rain, do you want a banana for a snack) she would pretend to look up on her phone - especially stuff I had said "maybe" to. Like this:

Izzy: "can we play in the backyard today?"
me: "we'll see, it looks like it might rain"
Izzy:"let me check" (typing and looking at phone) "yes. I think we can go outside today. It isn't going to rain."

It was really funny. And then at bedtime, after I kissed her goodnight she had a quick check of her phone and said
"I just got a text from Erin*. She wants me to come over tomorrow."

I almost wet myself laughing.

The second thing was that tonight, for a good 15 minutes or longer, she stood on top of the swing set and sang improvised songs at the top of her lungs. With actual lyrics like "cause mommy told you to, oh yeah oh yeah" and "then we can have a snack oh oh oh." it was so wonderful and amusing, and I wish that I could have gotten it on tape but I knew the magic would have been broken if I got up to go inside for the camera, and there was no way I could ask her to wait and perform on command. So I just sat back with my youngest daughter on my lap happily stacking and unstacking snack bowls (so. much. fun) and enjoyed my serenade.

I doubt the neighbors enjoyed it quite so much, but who cares? They're just jealous their kids aren't as cute as mine.

*Erin, by the way is MY friend. We recently had a playdate at her house which was a big hit with Izzy to say the least.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

You Give Me Fever

That was a bit more of a break than I intended to take. After spending a week on my own with the three hooligans (and let me tell you, I am out of practice cause the first few days were rough) I figured I'd get a little "me" time after my husband returned on Saturday.

Surprise #1 - he didn't get home until 5pm Saturday. So that was an whole day on my own that I totally hadn't planned on and was certainly NOT in the mood for. Awesome.

I did get to go out to a friend's house on Saturday night, and despite not really wanting to go that particular night because I was so tired, I had a really great time meeting some new people and playing games and just hanging out. but then I got home to

Surprise #2 - Izzy had a fever over 102. Sweet. Apparently she had woken up screaming a couple hours earlier, and I never heard my cell phone ring because I left it in my purse while we all went down into the basement. Oops. But she got her Tylenol and the fever came down, and I set my alarm to check on her after the four hours was up so I could dose her again, and we got through the night no real problem. On Sunday I took her to the doctor (diagnosis: tonsillitis, ie, random virus no biggie) and we got her settled and taken care of. By the evening she was perking up quite nicely, which was great because

Surprise #3- I was rocking my own 101+ fever. It was great. I had the chills, the body aches, sweating, the whole nine yards. Plus, I got a sweaty, still vaguely feverish 4yo demanding to sleep in my bed and put her boiling hot feet on my all night. Oh, and Jack wasn't feeling too hot either, so he woke me up several times with his inarticulate crying that I couldn't ignore because I had to make sure he wasn't burning up too. Let's say it was not the most restful night, shall we?

Fortunately my husband could stay home from work yesterday so I got to sleep in, and when I got up I felt much better. Of course, by 9:45pm I was shaking from the chills so hard I couldn't hold the ibuprofen bottle still long enough to read the label, and then at 11pm I was so hot I couldn't sleep and had to come downstairs and hold the frozen mixed veggies against my face for 10 minutes, but other than that the night was pretty event free. Today I'm feeling better and I hold out hope that will continue through tonight. We'll see.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Thank You Thursday

And the winner of the $10 giftcard is....


Pretty good odds given that there were only two comments, ha! Anyway, I did actually use a random number generator to ensure that it would be totally fair, but I think that both lovely ladies deserve some recognition for being the only ones to respond, so Becky, you win too! Both of you please email me your addresses and I will get your giftcards in the mail. Thanks for reading everyone!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


This is what it looks like in my house when you throw your back out and can barely move:

Apparently breaking out the orthopedic back pillow is like setting off the bat signal. "Come one come all! Mommy is down and out - commence the dog pile!"

*update: this picture was taken last week when I wrote this. I'm better now.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Get My Fat Head To Think Thin

When you take that first bite of something really delicious, it is almost too good to be true. Then you take a second bite, and it is still oh so delightful and wonderful and palate pleasing. And the third bite tastes like it is the best thing you have ever eaten and you can never get enough of it. But the fourth bite isn't quite as amazing. So you speed up a little, eating faster and faster, desperate to recapture that sensation you got from the first three bites. Taste that tantalizing burst of flavor on a tongue that is getting more and more attuned (and therefore less sensitive) to each bite. And it continues, the more you eat, the less you taste, so the more you eat, all in an attempt to chase the elusive wonder of the first few bites.

Oh how I know this struggle. I have thrown endless amounts of excess foods down my throat trying to feed that need for intense enjoyment. Swallowing each little bit of sensation instead of savoring it. Eating like there is no tomorrow, or like I will ever eat again.

But what if I stopped doing that? What if I took my time with those first three amazing bites - enjoying each one for all it's worth, and then stopped? Stopped eating, stopped treating food like an hobby, stopped eating as though I would never taste anything good again. We are not built to react to food with an attitude of leave em wanting more, but what if I could train myself to do that? To recognize that beyond the next mouthful there will be more cakes and cookies and treats, and that I probably wouldn't die if I just left this one on the plate. To only eat the bites that are truly wonderful, and stop before they start fading. Stop before I've had so much I'm sick of the flavor, the food, myself. Start remembering at each meal there will be a tomorrow, and I'm going to eat then too.

I think if I can do that, I can lose this weight. And I bet THAT would taste amazing.

Pity Party Of One

I am just not feeling it. The desire to do anything at all - things that had me super excited just weeks ago now seem pointless and out of reach. I feel suffocated by the things I need to do, the things I have to do, the things I want to do but can't, and these issues certainly aren't unique to me (nor do I have anything on my plate more pressing or important than anyone else has on theirs) but it has left me in this funk of dissatisfaction and quit. Basically I want to scream and tear my hair and stomp around about how life is so unfair, nobody understands me, etc etc. I'm having teenage angst, ha!

My house is a mess again, as is typical of a house with people actually living in it, and because of my back shrieking in warning anytime I bend over for more than a second or two, I have let it get out of hand to the point where I am now overwhelmed and to the avoidance point. Why clean up this little issue when i can just throw it on top of the piles of garbage everywhere? Some people need for things to get really bad before they can be spurred to action, for me I am much better at keeping something clean - doing little things more often to keep it manageable and nice. Once it hits a certain point I just get overwhelmed and start to feel like I am drowning. I can literally feel my brain shutting out the clutter and dirt and going into self preservation hibernation mode.

I've got all of these ideas for redecorating my bedroom (or I should just say decorating since there is no decor to speak of up there to redo at this point), but I can't actually move forward with anything. Some because there are crafts involved, and until my mom gets here I won't have the tools to get them done, and some because I don't have the money/haven't found the right piece of furniture yet. And I can't really go looking around for the stuff I need with three kids in tow. So all the ideas are just bouncing around in my head and cluttering up my thinking spaces adding to my frustration.

Jack. Will. Not. Stop. WHINING. I honestly don't think I can take this much longer and I have no idea how to deal with it. I worry so much that our relationship is going to be permanently ruined; that his memories of me are going to be angry and yelling and mean, but I simply cannot deal with the whining patiently anymore. He is scraping down my very last raw exposed nerve and I am barely holding myself together. Every day, all day, every little. fucking. thing he cries about. I ask him a question, he says "no" and and then immediately he's crying and screaming because he actually meant yes, or I'm not reacting to the no fast enough, or I didn't pick up on the telepathic message he is sending or whatever tiny little frustration is tucked inside his little head. I get that he is two. I get that that is a difficult age, and yes, he has always been prone to tantrums. But come on here. These are not that big of problems, and it isn't even about frustration that he can't communicate or I'm not understanding because he's crying before he's even finished talking himself. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to explain to him that he has to stay calm. That he has to get a grip on himself or we will never be able to communicate. He is getting worse and worse on this issue, and I am completely unraveling trying to deal with it. And I am increasingly concerned for how he is going to deal with the rest of his life because this quitting and freaking out has been a pattern since he was born, and I'm not convinced that it is a symptom of being a child so much as it is a fundamental feature of his personality. Which makes it so much more important that we get a handle on this behavior before it sets the path for the rest of his life.

Okay, this is not really where I was planning to go with this entry (my intention was just to explain that I'm feeling low), but I had to get some of this out I guess. And I'm going to stop now because I'm getting all worked up and the anxiety I've been feeling is increasing instead of decreasing so I need to switch activities to something that will lower my blood pressure before I have a full on panic attack. Anyway, I'm going to put it out there that I may not be posting everyday for the foreseeable future. I'm going to try and keep up the blog, but I understand nobody wants to read a monologue about how much I think I suck, so I'm not going to force myself to write unless I've kicked the funk. I'm feeling the stirrings of being so fed up with the mess that I can finally spur myself to action, so things should turn around in the next couple days. I also think if I can sit down and write at a different time of day I will do better, because right now I'm just so drained and beat up in the evenings that all I want to do is wallow.

So maybe I'll be back here tomorrow, maybe not. Either way, thanks for listening to my verbal release of pressure. I'm getting so freaking moody in my old age!

Monday, April 12, 2010

And It's Only Day One

My husband went out of town this morning. He won't be back until Saturday. The kids had McDonald's for dinner, and Izzy is right now upstairs bemoaning the injustice I've inflicted upon her by insisting she sleep in her room. I think it is going to be a loooooong week.

In other news, I fee like I was all ready to deliver some wicked clever blog entries but then it decided to up and turn SUMMER on me and I just forgot everything in my head because "Oh my god, I'm hot." Ok, I'm not really all that hot (there is a delightful breeze a blowing), but it IS over 80 degrees even now after 7pm, and I am finding myself once again in the unpleasant situation of deciding to sweat it out in my yoga pants or face the trauma of wearing shorts. This is a yearly debate, only now I get to face it with more fat on my blindingly white thighs. In the end I did go with the shorts (you can read about it here), but I assure you it was NOT pretty.

So now am going to put my feet up and enjoy a night of television while also trying not to stuff my face. Should be fun. Hopefully tomorrow will be a normal mid-April temperature (dear god I hope this is not normal here) and I can ease a little more into the heat. I really need to find somewhere that never gets above like 73 degrees without also having a winter that is 8 months long. Any suggestions?

ps: Have you commented here yet? What are you waiting for, don't you want a $10 Starbucks card?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Saturday Say What

upon seeing some flags hanging still because there was no wind: "Why are those flags not happy?"

after leaving the store where we bought her a new dress: "I was just freaking out because I didn't have enough dresses."

after someone (NOT me, ahem) passed gas fairly loudly: "Wow. That was a truck toot!"

while I was "dozing" on the couch thanks to some painkillers, and she decided to come "rest her eyes" with me, and Jack accused her of sleeping: "I'm not sleeping, I'm just relaxing. Mommy's sleeping."

After Jack (for the fifth time) pointed at some random woman on the tv ans shouted 'Irene:" "Who the heck is Irene?"

waiting for Jack to hand the phone back so she could continue her 10 minute speech to my mother: " I have a lot of words, don't I?"

indeed you do, little girl.

Don't forget Saturday Say What now accepts submissions! Send any funny, astute, precocious or precious statement your kids (or anyone's kids) make to and it will appear in the very next Saturday Say What post. Don't forget to include your name, your kids' names and ages, and any relevant context.

note: Jami, I know you told me something funny your kids said but I can't remember it - please email it to me?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Who Needs A Thumb Anyway?*

Tonight I had a rare night out, going to a moms night out sponsored by this local mom blog run through the paper ( if you're interested). I got dolled up. I drove all the way out there. And promptly shut my thumb in my car door.

Awesome. I'd give myself a thumbs up but wow, that joke is too bad to even go there.

So anyway, I got to spend the night talking with some lovely people (including a stay a home dad - how jealous is my husband, hahahaha) and holding a bag of ice on my thumb. Good times.

And I had a nice blog idea kicking around in the old noggin too, although why I didn't just write it earlier is beyond me since who are we kidding I totally knew I wasn't going to come home at 10:30pm and sit down to write a coherent, meaningful blog entry. But this is all you get because I'm WOUNDED you guys. My thumb is totally rendered sore-ish useless and bruised and throbbing and I can't type with it at all (even though thumbs are pretty much only for the space bar and I do have two of them and let's face it my typing is pretty awful even with all digits in perfect working order). But I'm thinking I'm not going to have any grodiness like losing the nail or anything so I've got that going for me.

In other vaguely related news, after it happened I of course had to twitter that I had slammed my thumb in my car door because what is pain if you can't get sympathy from strangers over the internet? And I noticed later that I had gotten a reply from a woman who was at the bar with me. Which was weird. Because in general none of my twitter "friends" are people I actually know in person - we may have conversations online and all, but I don't actually know them, and they certainly aren't attending the same function I am, and tweeting while we sit several feet away from each other. So that was vaguely surreal. But I guess not really any weirder than the times my husband and I are sitting across the living room from emailing each other. Which I'm not actually sure we have done, but it's pretty likely given the amount of time we spend on our laptops.

Okay. I think that is enough blather for one evening. We'll hope that none of the delightful people I met tonight decide to check out my blog and start with this entry because, wow, are they not going to return!

*Certainly not me. At least, not now that I've had a couple cocktails. I may think differently in the morning when I read the crap I just wrote. Although that regret may have more to do with less than sober blogging than with thumb related injuries. What has two thumbs and slams one in the car door? This girl. Haha. I crack myself up. But honestly, what kind of spaz slams their thumb in the car door? The car I get in and out of at least twice every day. The thumb that has been attached to my hand for over 32 years now - always in the same place, pretty predictable in it's location at the end of my arm. Dumbass.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It's Hard Out There For A Pimp

I love my blog. I love writing it and sharing my life with the people who read it. I love reading the comments left by readers, and I feel like I have made so many new friends because of this communication. I would like more friends. I would like more readers. But I hate hate HATE promoting my blog. I dislike the whole atmosphere of you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. I don't want people only reading this blog because I read their blog and comment. I don't want to feel the pressure of constantly having to leave comments everywhere so my name gets out there and people come visit my site. It takes time away from things I should be doing and I don't feel that adds anything to the online community. If I don't have anything to say about a blog entry, I don't comment. I read the blogs I like because I like the writing and the people doing the writing - not because I want then to owe me and increase my traffic.

But I do want to increase my traffic. So I tweet my posts and have a Facebook fan page. I do a bare minimum of self promotion because I am comfortable with this. if my site grows I want it to happen organically - not because I blasted the internet with in your face advertising.

So here's where you come in. Do you like my site? Do you tell your friends about it? Well, then I owe you a thank you. For helping spread the word about my blog, I'm going to give away another $10 Starbucks gift card.

To enter:

-comment on this post - how have you have spread the word about my blog? Mentioned it to a coworker? Listed in your blogroll? (we are going on the honor system here - if you say you told a friend I will trust that you are telling the truth so don't abuse it)

for extra entries:

-tell a friend about my blog, and get them to comment on any post - if they mention you sent them you get an additional entry. If they comment on THIS post, they are entered too of course)

-tweet this giveaway (be sure to include @lonek8 so I know you tweeted)

- vote for my picture entry in this contest (requires a Shutterfly account, but you can vote everyday!) if I win, I'll use some of the prize money for more thank you giveaways!

-take a gander back through the archives and tell me (in this post's comments) what your favorite entry is from April 2009

That's it! I'll choose a winner using a random number generator and post the results one week from today. Spread the word, and pass the Pablum!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

This Post Would Have Been Monday If I Hadn't Been Practically In Traction

Blah blah blah, something funny and touching and thought provoking, here are some pictures of our Easter weekend (that included a visit from cousins! Yay!)

seventeen days apart and instant BFFs

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Strobe Lightening

Last night we had the strangest thunderstorm. Instead of random flashes of lightening, there was a constant, almost strobe light effect going on, and a low steady rumble of thunder. For TWO HOURS. Do you have any idea how hard it is too sleep with constant flickering light coming through the windows? It was like the gods were having a disco out there with full on light show and bass beats. And it didn't help that we had watched tornado warnings all night on TV (not for our county, but close. I think. I'm not 100% sure where our county is on the map yet). The constant rumble of thunder had me worried that I wouldn't be able to hear the roar of an approaching tornado. which then set me into wondering if the tornado sirens go off when one has been seen forming, or if one has touched down, and how close that means it is, and at what point I wake up the kids to huddle in the basement, because I certainly don't want them to be sucked into a cyclone but I also don't want to wake them up if it's unnecessary. These are thoughts more conducive to Googling than sleeping.

Anyway - no tornadoes materialized, and except for the weird constant flicker of lightening the storm was run of the mill and I did eventually fall asleep. No doubt thanks to the strong pain medication.

And while my back was very bad this morning, it has gotten better as the day progresses so I think I'm on the mend. I've got a cocktail of anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxants and pain meds in case I have a problem, but at the moment I'm doing pretty well.

Which just means I don't get any special treatment anymore. Hmmmm, now that I think about it, maybe it hasn't gotten that much better.

Frumpty Dumpty is Hopping Back On The Wagon

I haven't done much lately. I have been in a place where being fat and dumpy and not at all how I want to look has just seemed inevitable, and if I'm going to feel like crap then I might as well keep eating crap right. Boohoo, at least they serve cake at my pity party. And I haven't written about any of it, because honestly, who wants to read all about that? No one.

And I'm not going to say that suddenly the light broke through and I'm all reinvigorated to resume losing weight and taking better care of myself. Because it hasn't. What I am going to say is that I don't care. I have to do this anyway. Whether I'm feeling super fat and hopeless or hot and sassy, I need to eat better. I need to control myself around food, and stop the constant weight gain.

I have never been at a stable weight. Ever. Obviously as a child I was growing and getting taller as well as heavier, but once my height stopped, my weight never reached a balancing point. I have been gaining weight my whole life. I figured out that at 32 and 160 lbs, I have gained 5 lbs a year since birth (not actually, since I wasn't born weighing 0 lbs, but just go with it. Maybe I should say 5 lbs year since conception). If I continue this average I will weigh 200 lbs when I am 50.

Not. Acceptable.

I want to find a weight and stay there. Month after month, year after year. I want clothes in my closet that are all the same size (regardless of what size that is), that I can pull out anything after no matter how long and know that it is going to fit. I don't know how to eat just enough for my body to function - I only know excess.

And frankly, I'm getting really sick of it.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this. I have all kinds of plans and ideas that all fail as soon as there is food I can put in my face. but that is what this blog is about. Picking my way through making better choices and finding a better lifestyle and relationship with food.

One bite at a time.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Waiting For Percocet*

So, I know you have eagerly been awaiting my return to blogging after what must have been an interminable absence of five days. And I have been ready to return (if unsure exactly what I was going to write about). However, today I have been struck down with the worst back pain I've had in 17 years - since my initial injury.

note about that: in case you are unaware (meaning, you aren't related to me), during my youth (ages 7-16) I was a nationally ranked rhythmic gymnast (yes, the prancing around with balls and ribbons). At 15 I basically threw my back out severely in a competition - I couldn't bend over more than an inch or so.

As a result I have basically had at least some degree of back pain or tightness ever since. By now it is hardly there most days, if I get tight it gets a little worse, but still only to nuisance levels - nothing debilitating in the slightest. I especially notice it with bad mattresses, and whenever I start waking up with my back really hurting I know it is time to flip mine.

Over the weekend it was starting to bother me a bit, so I figured it was the rut in my mattress and no big deal. Last night it was painful enough that I couldn't face sleeping on it one more night, so I got the mattress flipped and in the morning it was still sore, but better so I assumed that was that.

And even though it hurt, I decided to take the kids to the gym (the begging and crying helped me make that decision). I figured I hadn't exercised for four or five days, so a little loosening up could help out. And in fact, the whole time I was on the elliptical it felt fine - no pain at all. And afterwards I sat and stretched for a while, trying to loosen some of the spasm out. But then I got up.

And walking was suddenly difficult.

"Uh oh." I thought. "Working out was a bad idea."

But it seemed ok from there on out - still in pain, but I could carry Sophie and get to the car and through lunch no problem. Until I tried to put Sophie in her crib. For a second I really thought I would have to drop her the last 6 inches because the pain of bending over was so bad. Since then I have basically been sitting on my special backpillow with my legs elevated (except for two hours when I was sitting at the movies with Jack - I'll have to talk about that another time). And that is really all I am capable of because the pain is quite intense.

And maybe exercising today was a poor choice, but I honestly don't think it caused my condition - it has been building for days and I am totally at a loss as to what brought it on. I'm not in good shape, but I'm in better shape than I have been for a long time. I haven't done anything new physically, and I haven't done anything strenuous or that might cause injury like this. And I'm hardly old, although of course I'm older than I was, haha.

Anyway, that's the story for today. Two ibuprofen and an icy hot patch have done nothing for me this afternoon, so I just dug out some old Percocet left over from my foot surgery and took one. At the moment I'm feeling pretty good - my back still hurts, but it's less, and I don't really care anymore.

*by the time I finished writing this I'm not waiting anymore - the drugs have fully kicked in and I am high as a kite. Sorry if that made the whole entry rambling and incoherent.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Can I Get A Vote?

See this right here?:

This is a contest I found on Shutterfly while spending endless moments waiting for the 200 pictures I've taken in the last month to upload. And because I'm nothing if not enamored of how cute my kids are, I entered this photo of Sophie. But now I need votes. Will you please vote for me? Again and again and again? I'd be ever so grateful. I don't know if there is a prize because I can't be bothered to research these things, but I want everyone to see how adorable my daughter is.


(it's also on the sidebar over there -----> so you can vote every time you visit my site. yay!)