Cock-Eyed

This post is about boobs.  MY boobs.  So Dad, Husband, you may want to just click away to some other more dude-friendly site and come back tomorrow.

So, here’s the thing – I’ve had four kids (and I almost typed three just there, whoops!).  We all know that pregnancy has a fair go at the female anatomy, and no matter how great of shape you snap back into when it’s over, things just aren’t where they used to be.  Even Heidi Klum has rearranged a bit after her kids, and trust me, I am no Heidi Klum.  And let me assure you that just because I wasn’t able to breastfeed my breasts did not escape unscathed.  It is a fallacy that breastfeeding affects the breasts negatively – just the act of getting pregnant does that all on its own.  There is no escape.

So I’m not exactly surprised or even bummed out that my boobs no longer shine with their former brilliance.  Well, a little bummed, because if I can take a moment to pat myself on the back a wee bit, I will say that in their heyday the girls were quite fetching.  Too bad I always insisted on going about fully clothed and the world was denied their glory.  But cover them I did, so it was really no great loss to my overall staggering beauty when they began losing their looks.  After baby #1 all was remarkably unchanged, but baby #2 began to put the miles on, and baby #3 pretty much sealed the deal.  There was sagging and stretch marks and a sudden irregularity in aureola size between my formerly matched set.

But again, who really cares right?  Besides my own personal staring before and after each shower like both the specimen and spectator at a freak show, the only audience my boobs get is my kids when they barge in unannounced (and groan about how hideous the sight), and my husband – and I’m assuming he sees few enough boobs that mine are still at least vaguely appealing regardless of flaws.  So I reconciled myself to bearing a sad rack from now on and went about my life.

Enter baby #4, and my new found discovery that ol’ Lefty is not only peering out of a larger “eye” than my still pretty much unaffected Righty, but now he is veering precariously off to the side as well. Like a drunken sailor.  How does this even happen?  If I was twisted and deformed and slanted to the left, I would think I’d be evenly affected, but no, Righty hangs firmly centered as expected.  So apparently the force of gravity is just skewed on the left side of my torso, pulling all freehanging appendages on that side ten degrees off center. It’s like looking at your lazy eyed neighbor where you can’t tell which eye is looking at you and which one is staring into the ether.  Perhaps I should consider bulking my left bicep up to full on Mr universe proportions to get him back in line.  I feel like I need some buck teeth, overalls, and an accent that is a little less Wisconsin-nasal and a little more “my brother’s my cousin.”

Be warned kiddos – pregnancy doesn’t just leave you with a flabby stomach and the inability to run, jump, laugh or sneeze without peeing yourself.  It also leaves you looking like a wax figure that got left a little to close to the fire.  On a slant.

About Kate Johnson

stay at home mother with four beautiful children - Isabelle(8), Jackson (6), Sophie (5) and Beatrice (2). Devoted television watcher and reader; wannabe novelist and fashionista.
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4 Responses to Cock-Eyed

  1. Giiiiiirl. I feel you. My boobs are downright laughable (unless you’re me, and then you cry). In fact I was just working on a blog post about how I don’t have a decent enough bra to house them. Depressing!

  2. gellybelly says:

    Hilarious!

  3. Julia P F says:

    Nothing wrong with getting a little, ahem, help for the girls…

  4. sarah says:

    this made me laugh so hard, Kate! I’m sorry Lefty is gawk-eyed & askew. This will be fabulous guilt-giving material later in Bebe’s life. “Mommy’s boobs were fabulous until you came along and messed them up with your gestating!”

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